Introducing..... Jaxon Robert Toaltoan

It is two weeks later and I am still in shock that he is here already. I can't believe I am no longer pregnant and that I have this beautiful little boy to look at all day everyday! I want to share his birth story, for other moms who are facing a subsequent cesarean, or just so I can relive it again!

Wednesday, August 1, 2012, we awoke at 5am (not with a big smile), and started the day that would forever change our family! We had to be at the hospital by 6:30am, as I was first on the list to have my surgery. We had hoped he would make his appearance earlier, but he decided August 1st was a good birthday to have. Luckily my sister Jenn kept the kiddos overnight, so they didn't have to endure the early wake up and the long day. We left the house at 5:40, stopped at Wawa, and headed to the hospital. After arriving we waited, it was horrible, for 20 minutes. Not sure why, but we checked in and waited. Finally they called my name to take me back to start my monitoring, but told TJ he couldn't join me for a bit. I was so upset, but I managed to hold it together. I went back to the pre-op area, put me on fetal monitors, took all my vitals, started my IV, had me sign all my paperwork, and got me comfy in a little room. Finally about 30 minutes later TJ was allowed to sit with me. At this point he was given his scrubs to put on when it was time, gave him a run down of what would happen and then we waited again, this time for my dr and the anesthesiologist (Bob) to come see me. By this time it was almost 8:15, only a short 15 minutes from delivery time. Finally it was time.... I was scared, I was nervous, I was excited, I was anxious, I was a mess, but kept it together as best as possible. The nurse came in and said it was time and helped me up so I could walk to the OR. TJ followed holding my hand and reassuring me it was all good. He was so strong, he was everything that I could ask for in the moment, he was a mess too, but hid it very well!

I entered the OR, alone with the nurse, who was super sweet. They put my hair cap on, then had me set up on the table. I had to sit with my feet up on a stool and my back hunched over for the spinal. The room was chilly, but not so much in temperature, I think it was the cleanliness, sterile echo of the equipment in the room. I was shivering, but again, more from fear and nerves then cold. Bob was an older man, super sweet and very personable. He started right away, it took a few minutes but soon, I felt the needle and then the warm tingly feeling running down my legs. They laid me back on the bed and the fun began. The OR was a whirlwind, people everywhere, everyone talking, not sure what all the noises were, but Bob was great, kept talking to me and reassuring me we were ok, he was very nice. Finally, after what felt like a life time, I saw TJ, and the tears flowed. I was scared, I was excited, I was ready to meet this little man. The OB finally said it was time to start, along with what seemed like a hundred other people things got quiet. Again, after what seemed like another lifetime, I could feel the pushing and pulling in my ribs and I could hear the noises of the suction and I could feel TJ's grip of my hand get tighter. Finally..... He arrived. At 9:03am, Wednesday August 1, I heard Jaxon Robert cry for the very first time, I saw his tiny little feet, his perfect little face, he round little head, his gorgeous little nose. I was instantly in love. I couldn't believe this little person just came from me. He was perfect in so many ways. I immediately sent TJ to stand with him and talk to him. I didn't wast Jaxon to feel alone. I had Bob with me, Jaxon needed his daddy. I couldn't believe how small he looked. He had a tiny little cry, but it was such an amazing sound. While the doctors finished up the surgery, TJ stayed with Jaxon. They took my guys to the recovery room a few minutes before I headed there myself. Which was a nice surprise, last time they did not join me in recovery. It was an amazing experience, going into recovery and hold my little man, while TJ held both of us. It was an embrace I will never ever forget. Jaxon weighed in at 6lbs 15oz, 21in long. He was a little peanut.  We spent the next hour or so in recovery just admiring this little man, and enjoying the quiet, alone time we had.

I was eventually transferred to my room, where TJ and Jaxon got to hang out. The nurse came in and gave Jax his first bath in our room with us to watch, she did all his post op checks in the room as well. I was feeling great, considering having major surgery. I was on cloud nine and couldn't have been happier. I knew in a few short hours I would have all three of my babies with me and I couldn't wait to introduce my big babies to their new baby brother.  It was definitely an experience I will never forget and I will cherish forever. I will try to do another post on the after surgery and the introduction of Jaxon to our family and friends.

That Mom!

This is the post that I show how long winded I can be! Here goes nothing!

This summer I have decided not to work and to help a friend out with childcare. I have taken on two kids, 6 & 7, and have been doing it since the beginning of June. It has not been too bad, but I have realized I will probably not be having anymore children. Four kids while 8/9 months pregnant was probably not the best idea. I have four kids ranging from age 4 to 7 and it is a daily challenge. The extreme heat has not been a helping factor, and the fact that the kids each have a completely different personality. There is some fighting, bickering, boredom, over stimulation, disagreements and so on. I can honestly say, this will be the last summer I feel the need to be home all summer. I love our friends, and I love the kids, but it is a lot harder then I thought it would be. I have one week and two and a half days left!

We are two weeks to the day from our schedule delivery and I am starting to feel the stress. Maybe I shouldn't call it stress, more like fear, anxiety, nerves, discomfort and excitement. I am so super excited to meet this little man (yes little MAN!) and I am so ready to start our new chapter or normalcy, but I honestly think I am more excited not to be pregnant anymore. This summer pregnancy thing is not all that great. Being full term in July, well is just plain old SUCKS! I am hot all the time, I am tired all the time, my feet and hands swell and I have no appetite. I have been in a lot of pain now for about a week. I have been having abnormal contractions, lots of back pain and extreme pressure and discomfort! Don't get me wrong I am so beyond thankful we were given this opportunity, with very minimal complications. I am excited to have another child, but I am exhausted, emotionally, physically, mentally! We haven't really done anything to prepare for this baby either. I guess we will wait until the last minute like I do with everything else in life. We have the basics, car seat, stroller, pack and play, boppy, clothes, diapers. What else is there huh? Oh boy, the closer we get the more I realize how unprepared we are. Guess we should start getting it together!

My Emily starts first grade in just about a month..... OMG.... really, first grade. She will go full-time and I am so not ready to let her go. I will miss her terribly and want to cry every time I think about it. She is such an amazing big girl, she is super smart, absolutely stunning, very funny, becoming girly and everything I could ask for in my daughter. We have been so blessed to watch her grow, and can't wait to see what the next few years will bring. She did amazing in kindergarten, she was in the top of her class, never got into any trouble (stayed on green all year), had perfect attendance and made huge improvements. I know she will shine in first grade. She is now 6, and I swear she is going on 16. She has quite the personality, and she is a sassy little girl. I love her to pieces and am so thankful I am her momma.

Colin Michael, he is a wild child.... He is so much fun. He has the most open personality, talks to most anyone he meets, comes up with the funniest little things. He stays active from the moment he wakes to the moment he crashes at night (and I mean crashes in bed). He is very self sufficient, can always entertain himself and very rarely whines or cries. He makes the best of any situation and is always on the go! He has grown up so much in the last year and I can't believe I only have one more year before he goes to kindergarten, hoping to send him to part-time preschool this year but still unsure! He is an incredible little man and I am excited to see him grow as a big brother!

TJ and I, I still can't believe we have been together 14 years! We will not only celebrate the birth of our second son, but our 14th anniversary of being together on August 1st. Crazy.... I can't believe it's been that long. It honestly seems like maybe 5 years ago. In October we will be celebrating our 8th wedding anniversary and can't wait to celebrate more. It's rather funny, most of the couples we grew with in high school and after have resulted in bitter divorces, or ugly separations. We have never even come close. We always joke that our relationship/marriage is so different from everyone else. We work very hard to have what we have and I wouldn't trade it for the world. He is the most amazing, loving, caring, compassionate, supportive, helpful, hard working man, husband and father. His children absolutely adore him, they count down the hours until he gets home from work and they go ballistic when they finally see him, EVERYDAY! The excitement I see in my children when they see him after a day at work is all I need to know we are perfect! It's so cute int he morning, at 5am they go through a long conversation of "I Love You" "Have a good day" "See you soon", yes all this at 5am, mixed with hugs and kisses and lots of "bye daddy"... luckily they have no problem falling right back to sleep! I am so truly, madly, deeply in love with him and look forward to the next 100 years shared with him.

Two weeks after delivery, we are heading to the beach for four days, Thurs-Sun! I can't wait. The kids have been begging to go to the beach since school let out, and I can't wait to take them. We found a cute little motel right on the boardwalk, with a pool. I think I am more excited then the kids. We haven't really talked about it, just to have a little bit of the surprise factor. They know we are going, but they don't know when. I am a little nervous taking a 16 day old baby, but we will survive. I took Colin at 5 weeks, so it can't be too bad. Needless to say, I am stoked and can't wait to share another special weekend with family!

In the last few months, TJ's brother has started to come back into our life. We had went separate ways for a long time, he was making bad choices and doing some not so great things. I didn't want the kids to see it or to think it was ok, so we kept our distance. He has recently done a complete turn around and it an amazing young man. He turned 21, and surprisingly it has calmed him down. He has a very serious girlfriend, and she is amazing. It's nice to see him happy, in love and back in our life. We have missed him terribly and are so thankful for his turn around!

Onto the title of my post.... That mom! I have always said I wanted to be her, I wanted to be that mom who is incredible! I want to be that crafty, creative, interactive mom, but I don't think I am. Emily has a friend, he is the cutest little guy ever. He knocks on our door just to play, and he will stay for hours. He is very polite, always uses manners, very sweet and just loves Emily. I realized just recently, I am that mom, in his eyes. He doesn't have the greatest home life, nothing bad, but nothing super great either. He always comments on how I am and how the kids are and I realize he doesn't have the same thing at home. That mom.... I guess it is just a matter of opinion, so I may not be THAT mom, but I am that mom! I know it doesn't make sense to you, but it does to me.

Ok well I have one screaming for juice, one screaming for a snack and one kicking me intently in the bladder, so I guess I better sum this up! It feels so great to finally vent of some sort. I will have to try  harder to blog, I do love it, but time is just not my friend! Hopefully my next post will be an update introducing our newest little guy! YAY!

Oh my!

Life has been a whirlwind, to say the least. Things have flown by at a crazy fast speed. I can't believe it is mid-June already. Where has the time went, and how is it that I am only 6 short long weeks away from bringing home out third baby! At first I felt like time had stopped, I felt like this pregnancy was going to last forever, but now, I can't believe that is has gone so fast. Everything has been changing, mostly for the better, but changes are scary either way. We are trying struggling to get organized and ready for this little fella to join our world, but it seems to get harder with each passing week. I still can't believe that I am 33 weeks pregnant, and that I am expecting a little boy! I am super excited, yet scared at the same time! I long to post everything, but there is just not enough time. I will try to post again tonight!

T minus 2 Hours!

In about two hours we will get to see our little guy or gal on the big screen again! This is our big 20 week ultrasound, which means so many things. It means that we are finally at the half way mark, it means that we may find out if we are having a girl or boy, it means that we will get to hear the heartbeat again, we will get to see this little peanut again! I am flooded with emotion and I am not sure why. I was never this emotional with the first two, and I don't know what to think. I am scared, anxious, nervous, excited, happy, the list goes on. I keep thinking something will be wrong, something out of my control. I keep thinking, because I wasn't overly excited at first, I will be punished for some reason. I think that I deep down inside long for another little girl, and they will tell me it's a boy. Don't get me wrong, I will be ecstatic for either as long as it is healthy and growing. Emily is not a "girly" girl, she is a tom-boy at heart, and I think that somewhere deep down I long for a "girly girl". I know it sounds crazy, and I am driving myself nuts with it. I mean Colin has a special place in my heart, there is just something special about a mom and her son. I would love to have that love again! See I am so scattered. I will post again later and hopefully have a great update and maybe even some pictures if I can figure out how to post them! LOL!

Maybe!

I have been feeling like crap the last few weeks, actually since right after Christmas. I thought it was a bad cold at first, but now the doctor is telling me it's my allergies starting super early. Since the winter has been so mild, the pollen is really high already, and my allergies are reacting. I am not sleeping, coughing most of the night. Last night was actually the worst it's been. I probably got about 2 hours of solid sleep. This momma is tired. I need more then that, my goal is atleast 7 hours a night. I know selfish huh? I have had two wonderful children who have slept through the night since about 8 weeks old. I pray to whatever god, angel, spirit that will listen, this baby is the same. I am hoping the new allergy meds (preggo safe of course) will help a bunch. I started taking them today, in hopes to get some sleep tonight.

We have been playing the name game already, and it's not going so well. We have hit a complete dead end for boys names, maybe Ethan, maybe not. We have it narrowed down to two for a girl, Karly or Harly Jean. Jean is after a beloved family friend who has left us far too soon. Her name was Donna Jean, and she was an amazing woman. She was my mom's best friend for over 20 years and is deeply missed. If it is a boy his middle name will be Robert, after my grandfather. He was such an important part of my life, loving, caring, giving, funny, out going man. I would be honored if our son was just like him.

My big girl, I hate to say it, will be 6 years old in less then a month. I can't believe she will be six. I mean really, it feels like I just brought her home, fell asleep one night and woke up to a five year old. Geez, where does time go. She is such a great person, I am so proud to be her mom. She is giving, caring, loving, compassionate, head strong, silly, playful and beautiful. She is so full of life and loves so deeply. I look forward to watching her grow into the same young woman, I just wish it would happen a little slower.

January? Really??

The weather is absolutely gorgeous today. I have my neices and Colin outside playing, the sun is bright, the air is warm.... Couldn't be better. Oh wait, yes it could, it could stay this way forever! Loving this weather, not loving the allergies that have accompanied it. I usually have early spring allergies, well, I guess this is early spring. They are in full force and it is not so fun! Go out and enjoy this day, I know I am!

So when are you due?

Today was the first day a stranger asked me the million dollar question "so when are you due?" I was shocked. I wasn't ready for it, and when it came, I think I choked a little. I would really like to think it is not noticeable, and I would like to think it's still a secret. I guess I thought wrong. I asked her what made her say that, she said "why of course your baby bump, what else? You look great, when are you due?" Of course I told her and her reaction was priceless, she thought I was much futher along then I am. I am 13 weeks and feeling all but 8 months already. No jeans fit anymore, I can still sport my regular shirts (more because I buy them longer). I have a whooping 3 pair of maternity jeans, that are getting a work out. Yikes, if this is 13 weeks, I am scared of 30 weeks. LOL!

Now this is going to sound crazy, and I know the books all say it isn't possible, but I am pretty certain I am feeling the quickening already. I don't have gas, and I know the difference. I have felt it a few times and I am certain, but of course it's been 4 years since I felt a baby move. I feel like I am crazy. To all the mommas of three or more, is it possible? I don't go to the doc again till Feb 2, so I will feel crazy until then. I was told by my mid wife everything will happen much earlier with the third, that has shown true for my belly bump, but not sure if movement is included in that statement. Please help.

Ok, off to my parents for dinner!

Too Much!

So when I was raised my mom told us she loved us every chance she got. Each time she spoke to us on the phone, each time we left the house, each time we went to bed or nap, when we went to school, when we went to work. To this day every time I talk to my mom, whether it be on the phone or in person, she tells me she loves me. My dad says it too, but in a manly way. He always told us when we were growning up as well. I have carried on this trait, and I tell TJ and our children every chance I get, sometimes I randomly spurt it out. I tell TJ I love him each time I talk to him on the phone, even if it is just a 10 second reminder call, I tell him before he leaves, when he gets home and especially at bedtime. The kids, oh boy, the kids.... I tell them every 15 minutes (maybe a little exagerated), everyday. Not a day goes by without me telling them I love them. I will wake TJ up if he is already sleeping just so he hears it. I think I am crazy. Well this whole post comes from today... I have been helping my brother with my neices recently, and I take Eva (the youngest) to preschool on Wed. Today was my first day to drop her off, the teacher was there and another parent, I put Eva's coat and bag in her cubby, gave her a kiss and said "I love you Eebs(her nickname), have a good day" and walked her to the door of her classroom. I got the strangest looks from the other adults. I don't care if it is my daughter, my neice, my mother, sister, brother, nephew, dad whatever..... If I love them I am going to tell them. Is that so wrong? I guess maybe because I am not her mother, but still, shouldn't every child hear "I love you" before starting their day at school? Ok so it was only two hours, but she is only three years old. Shouldn't each child know, as they start new ventures that someone loves them, whether it be the mom, dad, aunt, grandparent, etc... I mean really. Emily and I hug, kiss and say I love you's everyday I drop her off at school. I make sure I tell her to have a good day and who will be getting her at the bus stop. We have a routine, and in my opinion parents should have a routine of saying I love you! Enough Said... Had to get that off my chest!

Differences, Changes!

This pregnancy is so different then the first two. I know everyone says each pregnancy is different, but my first two were rather similar, this one is completely off from the first two. I am far more scared, anxious, nervous with this one. I have been a little sick, not just regular preggo symptoms, but some gagging, , headaches, dizziness, flu symptoms, constipation. You name it, anything that could go wrong or been abnormal has been. I can't sleep already, can't get comfy and just can't stay asleep. It's been a rough 10 weeks, and I am beyond scared what the next 30 will be like.

We had our first "real" doctors appointment on Friday. It was pretty uneventful, but there was a little "snaffoo". I have had two c-sections, one not by choice, the second was more of a choice. emily was an emergency c-section, I was under general anesthesia, TJ wasn't even there. I was bed-ridden for two full days after. I didn't even know I had a baby. Colin was much better, TJ was there the whole time, I got to see Col as soon as he came out, I was up and walking around withing 3 hours of delivery. Deep down I was hoping I might have a chance to deliver vaginally with this one. I thought perhaps they would let me atleast try, but the doc and midwife shot that down before I could even finish my verbal reasoning. Not even a slight considerations, just a flat out "NO" "NO WAY, NO HOW". Not quite what I expected, but I knew it was likely. I thought maybe we could discuss it, perhaps go over my options, but apparently there are no options, and to top it off, I have to schedule my c-sections between 38-39 weeks. Oh well, in the end, as long as both me and the babes are healthy and happy are all that matters.

Emily was recently elected Principal's Pride for the month. She was so beyond happy and I couldn't be prouder of her. She has been amazing in kindergarten, and this just proves it. She has had a solid record of immaculate behavior, no bad remarks and no "bad" days. I am sooooo proud of her, I couldn't ask for better.

New Year, New Beginnings!

We have a doctors appointment tomorrow afternoon, and I have a good bit of questions. I have been having a lot of emotions about having another c-section. I have had two, and long to deliver vaginally. I know it sounds crazy, and maybe a little selfish, but I feel like I am missing a peice of the experience. I tried with Emily, after 37 hours of not very hard labor, I had and emergency c-sections, I was put under general anthesia, and TJ couldn't be there with me. I woke up not knowing I even had a baby. Colin was a much better experience, but still a c-section. I know the risks of complications are much higher with two c-sections, and I know that it would just be much easier to schedule it, but I still have reservations.

Today is TJ's birthday, 32, and it's been a great day so far. We are looking forward to him coming home from work, I made a big dinner, and the kids can't wait to sing to him again. I think we are going to have an adult night tomorrow night, just him and I for a bit, then meeting some of my family to celebrate. I am thinking about surprising him with a cake tomorrow while we are out.

Christmas has come and gone, and I couldn't be happier. It is such a beautiful time of year, and we always have tons of fun, but I am truly happy it is over. I am ready to get back to normal, have my home back to normal and move onto getting this new year started right. So many things to look forward to this year. Aside from this little person inside me, we have so much going on. Emily turns six, Colin turns 4, Em starts first grade, hopefully Col with start preschool and our family with continue to grow.

So much to write about, but gotta go finish dinner, TJ will home, then Emily and the fun will begin!