T minus 2 Hours!

In about two hours we will get to see our little guy or gal on the big screen again! This is our big 20 week ultrasound, which means so many things. It means that we are finally at the half way mark, it means that we may find out if we are having a girl or boy, it means that we will get to hear the heartbeat again, we will get to see this little peanut again! I am flooded with emotion and I am not sure why. I was never this emotional with the first two, and I don't know what to think. I am scared, anxious, nervous, excited, happy, the list goes on. I keep thinking something will be wrong, something out of my control. I keep thinking, because I wasn't overly excited at first, I will be punished for some reason. I think that I deep down inside long for another little girl, and they will tell me it's a boy. Don't get me wrong, I will be ecstatic for either as long as it is healthy and growing. Emily is not a "girly" girl, she is a tom-boy at heart, and I think that somewhere deep down I long for a "girly girl". I know it sounds crazy, and I am driving myself nuts with it. I mean Colin has a special place in my heart, there is just something special about a mom and her son. I would love to have that love again! See I am so scattered. I will post again later and hopefully have a great update and maybe even some pictures if I can figure out how to post them! LOL!

Maybe!

I have been feeling like crap the last few weeks, actually since right after Christmas. I thought it was a bad cold at first, but now the doctor is telling me it's my allergies starting super early. Since the winter has been so mild, the pollen is really high already, and my allergies are reacting. I am not sleeping, coughing most of the night. Last night was actually the worst it's been. I probably got about 2 hours of solid sleep. This momma is tired. I need more then that, my goal is atleast 7 hours a night. I know selfish huh? I have had two wonderful children who have slept through the night since about 8 weeks old. I pray to whatever god, angel, spirit that will listen, this baby is the same. I am hoping the new allergy meds (preggo safe of course) will help a bunch. I started taking them today, in hopes to get some sleep tonight.

We have been playing the name game already, and it's not going so well. We have hit a complete dead end for boys names, maybe Ethan, maybe not. We have it narrowed down to two for a girl, Karly or Harly Jean. Jean is after a beloved family friend who has left us far too soon. Her name was Donna Jean, and she was an amazing woman. She was my mom's best friend for over 20 years and is deeply missed. If it is a boy his middle name will be Robert, after my grandfather. He was such an important part of my life, loving, caring, giving, funny, out going man. I would be honored if our son was just like him.

My big girl, I hate to say it, will be 6 years old in less then a month. I can't believe she will be six. I mean really, it feels like I just brought her home, fell asleep one night and woke up to a five year old. Geez, where does time go. She is such a great person, I am so proud to be her mom. She is giving, caring, loving, compassionate, head strong, silly, playful and beautiful. She is so full of life and loves so deeply. I look forward to watching her grow into the same young woman, I just wish it would happen a little slower.

January? Really??

The weather is absolutely gorgeous today. I have my neices and Colin outside playing, the sun is bright, the air is warm.... Couldn't be better. Oh wait, yes it could, it could stay this way forever! Loving this weather, not loving the allergies that have accompanied it. I usually have early spring allergies, well, I guess this is early spring. They are in full force and it is not so fun! Go out and enjoy this day, I know I am!

So when are you due?

Today was the first day a stranger asked me the million dollar question "so when are you due?" I was shocked. I wasn't ready for it, and when it came, I think I choked a little. I would really like to think it is not noticeable, and I would like to think it's still a secret. I guess I thought wrong. I asked her what made her say that, she said "why of course your baby bump, what else? You look great, when are you due?" Of course I told her and her reaction was priceless, she thought I was much futher along then I am. I am 13 weeks and feeling all but 8 months already. No jeans fit anymore, I can still sport my regular shirts (more because I buy them longer). I have a whooping 3 pair of maternity jeans, that are getting a work out. Yikes, if this is 13 weeks, I am scared of 30 weeks. LOL!

Now this is going to sound crazy, and I know the books all say it isn't possible, but I am pretty certain I am feeling the quickening already. I don't have gas, and I know the difference. I have felt it a few times and I am certain, but of course it's been 4 years since I felt a baby move. I feel like I am crazy. To all the mommas of three or more, is it possible? I don't go to the doc again till Feb 2, so I will feel crazy until then. I was told by my mid wife everything will happen much earlier with the third, that has shown true for my belly bump, but not sure if movement is included in that statement. Please help.

Ok, off to my parents for dinner!

Too Much!

So when I was raised my mom told us she loved us every chance she got. Each time she spoke to us on the phone, each time we left the house, each time we went to bed or nap, when we went to school, when we went to work. To this day every time I talk to my mom, whether it be on the phone or in person, she tells me she loves me. My dad says it too, but in a manly way. He always told us when we were growning up as well. I have carried on this trait, and I tell TJ and our children every chance I get, sometimes I randomly spurt it out. I tell TJ I love him each time I talk to him on the phone, even if it is just a 10 second reminder call, I tell him before he leaves, when he gets home and especially at bedtime. The kids, oh boy, the kids.... I tell them every 15 minutes (maybe a little exagerated), everyday. Not a day goes by without me telling them I love them. I will wake TJ up if he is already sleeping just so he hears it. I think I am crazy. Well this whole post comes from today... I have been helping my brother with my neices recently, and I take Eva (the youngest) to preschool on Wed. Today was my first day to drop her off, the teacher was there and another parent, I put Eva's coat and bag in her cubby, gave her a kiss and said "I love you Eebs(her nickname), have a good day" and walked her to the door of her classroom. I got the strangest looks from the other adults. I don't care if it is my daughter, my neice, my mother, sister, brother, nephew, dad whatever..... If I love them I am going to tell them. Is that so wrong? I guess maybe because I am not her mother, but still, shouldn't every child hear "I love you" before starting their day at school? Ok so it was only two hours, but she is only three years old. Shouldn't each child know, as they start new ventures that someone loves them, whether it be the mom, dad, aunt, grandparent, etc... I mean really. Emily and I hug, kiss and say I love you's everyday I drop her off at school. I make sure I tell her to have a good day and who will be getting her at the bus stop. We have a routine, and in my opinion parents should have a routine of saying I love you! Enough Said... Had to get that off my chest!

Differences, Changes!

This pregnancy is so different then the first two. I know everyone says each pregnancy is different, but my first two were rather similar, this one is completely off from the first two. I am far more scared, anxious, nervous with this one. I have been a little sick, not just regular preggo symptoms, but some gagging, , headaches, dizziness, flu symptoms, constipation. You name it, anything that could go wrong or been abnormal has been. I can't sleep already, can't get comfy and just can't stay asleep. It's been a rough 10 weeks, and I am beyond scared what the next 30 will be like.

We had our first "real" doctors appointment on Friday. It was pretty uneventful, but there was a little "snaffoo". I have had two c-sections, one not by choice, the second was more of a choice. emily was an emergency c-section, I was under general anesthesia, TJ wasn't even there. I was bed-ridden for two full days after. I didn't even know I had a baby. Colin was much better, TJ was there the whole time, I got to see Col as soon as he came out, I was up and walking around withing 3 hours of delivery. Deep down I was hoping I might have a chance to deliver vaginally with this one. I thought perhaps they would let me atleast try, but the doc and midwife shot that down before I could even finish my verbal reasoning. Not even a slight considerations, just a flat out "NO" "NO WAY, NO HOW". Not quite what I expected, but I knew it was likely. I thought maybe we could discuss it, perhaps go over my options, but apparently there are no options, and to top it off, I have to schedule my c-sections between 38-39 weeks. Oh well, in the end, as long as both me and the babes are healthy and happy are all that matters.

Emily was recently elected Principal's Pride for the month. She was so beyond happy and I couldn't be prouder of her. She has been amazing in kindergarten, and this just proves it. She has had a solid record of immaculate behavior, no bad remarks and no "bad" days. I am sooooo proud of her, I couldn't ask for better.

New Year, New Beginnings!

We have a doctors appointment tomorrow afternoon, and I have a good bit of questions. I have been having a lot of emotions about having another c-section. I have had two, and long to deliver vaginally. I know it sounds crazy, and maybe a little selfish, but I feel like I am missing a peice of the experience. I tried with Emily, after 37 hours of not very hard labor, I had and emergency c-sections, I was put under general anthesia, and TJ couldn't be there with me. I woke up not knowing I even had a baby. Colin was a much better experience, but still a c-section. I know the risks of complications are much higher with two c-sections, and I know that it would just be much easier to schedule it, but I still have reservations.

Today is TJ's birthday, 32, and it's been a great day so far. We are looking forward to him coming home from work, I made a big dinner, and the kids can't wait to sing to him again. I think we are going to have an adult night tomorrow night, just him and I for a bit, then meeting some of my family to celebrate. I am thinking about surprising him with a cake tomorrow while we are out.

Christmas has come and gone, and I couldn't be happier. It is such a beautiful time of year, and we always have tons of fun, but I am truly happy it is over. I am ready to get back to normal, have my home back to normal and move onto getting this new year started right. So many things to look forward to this year. Aside from this little person inside me, we have so much going on. Emily turns six, Colin turns 4, Em starts first grade, hopefully Col with start preschool and our family with continue to grow.

So much to write about, but gotta go finish dinner, TJ will home, then Emily and the fun will begin!