Forever.... Whatever that means!

Forever= How long it has been since I last blogged
Forever= How long Emily said I made her wait tonight for her chocolate milk
Forever= How long it's been since I felt as down as I have been recently
Forever= How long I plan to be with my husband
Forever= How long I feel like this hot, humid, miserable weather is going to last.
Forever= How long it will be to see my Pop Pop again
Forever= How long I wish it would take my babies to grow up

Forever is such a funny word to me, it can mean so many things to so many people. It can be 5 minutes or 5 lifetimes. I have been in a real funk lately, things are just not going how we had hoped or planned. Of course not, you can't plan life, you can only expect the unexpected. You can't prepare for something that you don't know is going to happen. How can you? How can a person physically prepare for things when noone knows what tomorrow holds. As I always say "tomorrow is not a promise, it's a gift". With that said, I have been living the last few months as if tomorrow won't happen, as if today was everything. I have loved stronger, dreamed bigger, laughed harder, lived freer, worried less. I knew it would happen eventually, Reality has set in, and my laxed days are over. Money is tight, bills are piling up, debt is growing, economy is sinking, responsibility has to step in. Not as if we had lots of money to start with, but unemployment this year is at an all time low for me, we now have the mortgage to pay, the kids are getting bigger, which means more food, more clothes, more medical bills, more everything. We have applied for every means of help from Welfare to electric assistance, of course being denied for it all. Amazing women on crack, carrying their Gucci bag, driving their Mercedes are getting welfare, insurance, assistance with utilities, free childcare (when they don't work), and they continue to have children. I guess we did it wrong, we got married, settled down, had children.... OOPS my bad, I guess we should have just got straight to the kids and skipped the marriage part. What a joke. I am 100% for drug test in order to get welfare. I think something has to be done in order to make it fair for the people who are actually trying to make ends meet, for mom's who really need the help, for single mother's who didn't have a choice, for families who bust their humps and can't catch a break. Ok now I feel better, as scattered as that was, it made me feel better. Anywho... this summer has been extremely trying on our family, but we will overcome it, and we will be stronger then when we started. It's amazing, TJ and I have become so much closer this summer. Not as if we weren't close before, but I think we are a totally different level now. We laugh more, we joke more, we understand and listen more. It's crazy, I hear so much that money is the cause of many divorces, and money is only making us stronger, or lack of money I should say.
The kids are doing great. Of course they are, they are awesome. They are wild, but awesome. Emily starts kindergarten in August, which means in 29 days I will have a kindergartner. I cannot beleive how fast the last 5 years have went. My baby girl is now my big girl, my strong, independant, beautiful, smart, vibrant, loving, affectionate, sassy, funny big girl. She amazes me all the time, she loves learning and doing new things. I know she will love school, and I can't wait to hear about her first day. Colin, oh my Colin, he is my love bug. He is such a mommma's boy, it's scary. He is so crazy. He loves to laugh and make funny faces, he loves to tell stories, and his facial expressions are so dramatic. He is getting so big now. He talks up a storm, runs like a race car, rides bike, wrestles, digs for worms, plays with his tractors, everything a typical little boy does. He has no interest in pooping on the potty, but loves to pee outside. His smile lights up a room, his eyes melt your heart, his laugh is contagious. He is my buggy and I love him so much. I am one lucky momma to have the two children I have. I wouldn't trade them for the world.
I have to end this post, it's super late and I have an early morning tomorrow.

Randoms

I posted something on Facebook a few years ago, and I have wanted to post it again, see if anything changed. Here are 25 random facts about me. It is actually harder then I thought to come up with 25 random things, but I am going to try.
1. TJ and I have been together for almost 13 years, When I am 40 we will have been together more then half my life.
2. I think my children are beyond gorgeous, perfect, smart and extremely misbehaved LOL!
3. My siblings are my best friends. I talk to my brother daily and my sister several times a day.
4. My mom knows more about my personal life then most parents would care to know, but I talk to her about everything.
5. I miss my grandfather everyday, every minute. It has been 12 long years without him.
6. I am scared to send my daughter to kindergarten, I am afraid I won't be cool enough for her anymore.,
7. I long for another baby, but know deep down we are probably done with 2.
8. I have control issues that I can't seem to fix. I have tried and can't
9. My dream is to become a party planner (professionally). I love planning parties and watching them come to life. Weddings would be super cool.
10. I have no order when it comes to money. I am horrible with budgets and can't save money to save my life.
11. I kiss my children a gazillion times a day and tell them I love them even more. I don't ever want them to doubt my love.
12. I can't sleep when my bed is under a window.
13. I can't stand when there is laundry in the basket to be washed. I do laundry everyday so I don't see it.
14. I am obsessed with Facebook, it is almost my only adult interaction daily.
15. I am extremely overweight and can't seem to fix it. I have been trying and it is not working.
16. I don't blog nearly as much as I would like to.
17. I am so in love with my husband it sometimes hurts, in a good way.
18. I am from a family of alcoholics and don't drink much because I am scared of it.
19. I can't take Nyquil, It makes me sleep to hard.
20. I drive a 72 passenger school bus for a living, as much as I love my students, I HATE MY JOB.
21. I will talk to a complete stranger at the store if they seem friendly, TJ tells me I am too friendly.
22. I have no regrets from my past, other then money choices, and I beleive that my past is what makes me who I am today.
23. I consider on of my husbands ex-girlfriends, actually it's probably his first love, as one of my good friends. We don't speak in person, but on Facebook all the time and I value her opinion and enjoy reading her blog.
24. We bought a house 2 years ago, as much as I love my home, I miss renting. Owning is not all it's cracked up to be.
25. I have two best friends, neither of which have met each other, they are exact opposites in their personalities, have nothing in common, but I love them both dearly.

Spring Fever

Today is GORGEOUS! I wish so much that the yard wasn't covered in that ugly white stuff, the kids would love to get some fresh air and play outside. It's been so long since they have played outside. I hope the weather stays this way for a while. I know it's still winter, but I am ready for spring already. I am sick of the freezing cold and ice and snow.... I want chirping birds, sunshine and flowers.

I have not blogged about my weight loss because I am just disgusted with myself. I was doing so great, felt great and saw a difference, and then.... I lost my momentum. We all came down with a cold, sleep became a foreign event, life just went spiralling out of control. I haven't been on the elliptical in over a week, and I feel it. I am back to feeling frumpy, fat and just plain old lazy. I keep saying I am going to get right back to it, but it hasn't happened yet. TJ keeps bugging me and I just ignore him, so I vow on Sunday I will start back to my regimen and get right back on the horse. I am still determined to lose the weight. Luckily, I have not gained any weight since falling off, so that's a plus. Now I just have to lose more. It's very hard and frustrating, but I know I need to do it.

A Night Out!

TJ and I are going out tonight just the two of us. We desparately need some alone time and are both looking forward to it beyond words. We are going out to dinner, then out to have drinks with my parents (yes my parents, they have a more of a life then we do). I have been looking forward to tonight for a long time. I enjoy so much spending time with TJ. My goal for tonight is to not talk about the kids the whole time, I want to talk about us, life, friends, love, our future. I want to hold hands and sneak a kiss here and there, as if we were teenagers just starting this journey. I long for his utmost attention, and I love when I get it. I know it sounds selfish, but I never has his complete attention until the kids are in bed, by then we are both exhausted and ready for bed ourselves. The best part of dinner is it's free. Our neighbors, who are so super sweet, gave us a gift card to Red Lobster/Olive Garden. We share a driveway, and he had surgery a while back, but he is still casted. TJ promised them he would tend to the driveway in bad weather, as a show of their appreciation, we came home one night to a beautiful card and this generous gift. We are blessed to have such great neighbors, or atleast on that side LOL! I could live without our not-so-next door neighbor two doors the other way. Anyway... We are so grateful to be able to go out to dinner just the two of us and save money while doing it. Thank you so much Jim & Linda, it means a lot to us!

I posted a few days ago, and I think (actually I know) I may have not been clear as to who or what I was referring too. I guess if I am going to allow the public to read this I should be more careful how I word things and what I say. If I offended anyone with my post, I am sorry. I can honestly say, if you were offended by it then it was probably not aimed at you, because the people it was aimed at wouldn't care if I was talking about them, which is why I put the post. I also want to make the record clear for myself... friends, best friends, are who they are because of the things they do and how they care. I can say in my life I have had two true, honest, fabulous best friends, one I have a long, long history with, one has been more recent, but both are equally important for different reasons. I love both of them and I hope they both realize how much they mean to me. The statement that a true best friend could go for a long time without speaking or seeing each other, but pick right back up where it left off. That is how these ladies are. We could go for weeks without contact, but when we do finally contact each other it's just as if we spoke yesterday. That is the kind of friendship I have, and it works so well for us. We each have our own families, our own lives and need space, but when push comes to shove we are there. The interesting thing, they don't really know each other. The know of each other, but have never really met or spoke. They are two totally different people with two different lives. It's crazy to think how well I get along with two completely different people.

Emily chose her birthday theme... drum roll please.... Tinkerbell. Totally not what I thought she would choose. Actually her first choice was Justin Beiber and I was absolutely not doing that, so her second choice was Tinkerbell. I am so not ready for "Beiber Fever". We were looking online for decorations and stuff and she was so excited, I guess I better get a move on the party planning, it will be here too soon!

This post is so scrambled and out of order but I have so much on my mind that I am scattered. Colin is crying for his milk, but if I give it to him now he will be asleep in five minutes and our night out will be ruined by a little man stumbling down the stairs at 4am. Not an ideal night out, but I love when he cuddles in bed with us.


I am sitting here waiting on the sitter to get here and I am getting butterflies because I am so excited to be with TJ. After all these years he still gives me butterflies. Yay, she's here now. Enjoy your night, I will!

So Proud

I must say, I am beyond proud of my big girl. She will be 5 in less then 30 day (omg... she will be five in less then 30 days) and I am so in love with how much she has grown and matured since last year. She is in preschool 3 days a week, 2.5 hours a day. She loves it, she is learning so much and she is so great socially. Her teacher has such great things to say about her and she has made some really good friends. In the beginning it was a little scary sending her to "school" and I was not too thrilled with it, but I am so glad we stuck it out. She used to come home in the worst moods ever, very whiny, bossy and down right mean. The last few weeks have been such an improvement and she is a totally different kid. She talks about school all the time and unfortunate for me, she is completely ready for kindergarten. I am not so ready, but I will have to put my big girl panties on and deal with it. I am sad because alot of the friends she has at school don't go to Octorara. Her school is in the middle of Coatesville and Octorara so a lot of them will go to Coatesville. I am confident that she will make new friends just as easy and she will be juts as happy. I still can't beleive that almost 5 years have come and gone. I remember finding out I was pregnant, finding out she was a girl, bringing her home, and now she is going to be 5. She is beautiful, smart, fun, loving, passionate, did I mention smart. I love her so much it hurts. I miss my baby girl, but I am enjoying my big girl. I am anxious to see what the next 5 years have in store.

No Title- Too Much To Say!

There is really no new news on the weight loss. I did not lose any weight as of Sunday, but I did not gain any either, which is good. I am continuing my challenge and I WILL SUCCEED. I will succeed because I want to, because too many people told me I wouldn't, because my children deserve a healthy mama, because I want to be "sexy" for my husband. I am going to get through this and come out a better person in the end. I have a little less then 11 months to lose 45lbs.

I have a lot on my mind lately, mostly just questioning where I stand in my own life and how people come in and out of life so easily. I amazes me everyday how we think we know about people and we think the relationship/friendship shared with that person is something more then it really is. The actuality that the relationship was not what we thought is hurtful, like a knife to the heart. When you share special things with this person, when you tell them deep dark secrets, when you do everything in your power to relate to them and accomodate them. Just like that it is not like that and things are different. I am who I am, take it or leave it, but do know if you leave it, you leave it, no turning back. I am great person, I am a genuine friend, I am a loving, caring, kind, passionate, warm person UNTIL you cross me and I am afraid there are a lot of people getting to that point.
With all that said, TJ and I are better then ever. It's crazy that we have been together not quite 13 years, and we just keep getting stronger as the years pass. Honestly he is the only person other then my children that I have 100% all the time. He is defintely my best friend and I could not imagine a day without him. He keeps me going and reminds me everyday how much he loves me, unconditionally!
I have so much more to say, but not enough time. I will try to post later!

Get Right Back Up!

I will honestly say, this whole losing 50lbs, well.... It's a lot harder then I thought. This past weekend I lost all momentum. I didn't work out, I didn't watch my portions (I did but just not conciously) and I just didn't care. That is not acceptable, not for me, not for TJ and not for my goal. Needless to say, I got right back up and started again. Tuesday was a hard workout, considering I hadn't done on for about 4 days, and I did extra to try to help make up for the lacking. I am back in my routine, but it is no easier physically, but much easier mentally. I know I am at an unhealthy size, I have not built up the courage to announce my current size, a little embarrassment, but mostly because I don't want to stay there. I will eventually admit it, but not today!
TJ and I are attempting to cut out red meat "almost" completely. We both know it is very unhealthy and honestly it is expensive. We have found so many yummy recipes for Chicken, Pork and Turkey. We both love Turkey Taco's, Turkey Burgers and just plain Turkey. I am not a huge fan of Pork, but I am willing to try new recipes in hopes to learn to love it. Chicken, now Chicken is a different story. We both could eat it everyday, but dang it, it just gets boring. I found a few recipes on Better Homes & Garden website, which we absolutely loved. I found a few on FoodNetwork.com and we are trying a new one tonight. It is Sweet & Sour Chicken with brown rice and mixed veggies from a blog I have been reading called Browned Eyed Baker. I will try to figure out how to attached the recipes at the end of this. We are huge garlic lovers and the first two recipes have a good amount of garlic. They are not the healthiest meals, in terms of fat, calories, carbs... But boy oh boy they are delish, and they are not red meat. We have to start somewhere right? Now let me try to add those recipes.

http://www.browneyedbaker.com/2009/06/10/sweet-and-sour-chicken
http://www.bhg.com/recipe/chicken/garlic-parmesan-chicken-and-noodles
http://www.bhg.com/recipe/chicken/three-cheese-ziti-and-smoked-chicken-casserole